Positive parenting

Every parent can benefit from this book. I know I sure have learned a lot from it so far.

I heard about this book in a mom group on facebook.  My kids are like most kids and throw those tantrums that you are embarrassed to see yourself.... What do you do? Sometimes I just want to walk away and pretend they aren't my child.  haha.  I would never do that ... beyond 10 feet.  So when I learned that this book had some good suggestions I was all over it.  I ordered it off Ebay.  Books are surprisingly well priced there.  That is where I get a lot of my books from.  It came quick and I jumped right into it because I was at a loss of what to do to help me keep my sanity and help them as well.  I'm sure its frustrating as a child to not get what you want.  But I am realizing that I need to teach them these principles.

I am only about 100 pages into it but I have learned a lot and most of it is about myself and how I react to their tantrums.  I have a lot more to learn but here are some interesting things I have liked so far.

"Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative process."   The international Encyclopedia of Education 1988

The main thing he talks about is that we need to give the kids the positive attention when they do good things.  To start out we might have to point out the smallest positive things.   Everyone likes to be praised for things.  If we continue to point out the good things they are doing they will strive to do things that we will say good job for.  We as parents need to have as many positive interactions with our kids EVERYDAY.  It takes some work to get used to.  Some days I feel like all I do is say No or Don't to the kids.   We need to point out all of the good things they are doing.
One thing that he said is to complement them when they are playing quietly with their siblings.  I thought no you can't interrupt their quiet play time.  They will get distracted and stop playing nice together.  But its important for them to know that you appreciate that they are getting along and sharing.

When we have to stop some bad behavior like hitting we respond in a non emotional way.   This is soooo hard for me.  I am quick to anger and frustration when it comes to this.  Like I said I have a long way to go.  He says Its not simply enough to stop the bad behavior but we have to redirect it to something appropriate.  Show them something they can do that is good.  This is not only teaching them a good thing they can do but also distracting them from focusing on the inappropriate things they were doing.     We have to teach appropriate behavior.   We must be teachers of behavior not punishers of behavior.  This is so good to learn that kids learn good behavior but they need to learn it from us.

This is all new and hard for me haha.  When they are fighting about everyday stuff just ignore it and don't give it any attention.  Don't react to inconsequential behaviors.  They will find that it doesn't work.  They will stop fighting and trying to get attention that way.  As we give them good attention hopefully the fits will stop and the good behavior will grow.  Once again this is hard to ignore those fits, since they seem to happen all the time.  I know its a process to work through.  I have noticed that after a while they stop and will come talk to me and usually they have calmed down enough to talk and reason.  Any small step I am glad for.  I am working on breaking that habit of reacting and giving attention to that and I need to look for more positive ways to encourage them to be good.

When I first started pointing out the positive and good things the kids were doing it was good.  I would tell them how nice it was that they were sharing or that they listened the first time I asked them to do something.  I was good for a day.... then I found myself slowly slipping back to threatening and punishing them.  Its a habit that needs to be broken.  I haven't been very good but I keep trying to remind myself to do it.  I know it will make life easier and it will help my kids so much.  I will keep trying and let you know how it goes.